 CONFESSION
by
JB
Just recently, I met a
girl at school. You know the type that perks you up just
by talking with her? She’s very much like that
except just better. I liked her a lot. We used to talk
for hours on the phone. Every time I see her, I would
stop whatever I was doing and go talk with her. Even
though she’s a lower class woman, I didn’t
think there would be any problems between us. One time,
however, she called up and told me she left her house
because of some family dispute. I quickly rushed over to
her, hoping I could help her in some way. Maybe I did,
maybe I didn’t. After quite some time, an argument
ensued between us, and then she left bitterly. Feeling
hurt, I grieved. I felt that I didn’t deserve that.
I took up smoking and drinking once again to forget her
and my sorrows. Because of that, I never got to study,
and failed ALL my exams for that week and the next. I was
too preoccupied thinking about her. My friends keep
telling me to forget her, she’s not worth it, she
would do me no good. I know my friends were telling the
truth, but I didn’t heed their advices. I was drawn
back to her, and to that I regretfully did go back to
her. What followed was a complete make-over of my
personality. I changed a lot. I didn’t study
anymore, she was tops on my priority list, I never seemed
to care about anything. And that really affected me. My
grades plunged, I was impeached ( so I can spend more
time with her), I had lots of quarrels with my parents, I
have no more time with my friends, I pissed off and did
some bad mistakes to my closest friend, Mylai. All I
could think of is her. Maybe I was obsessed. I never felt
more strongly to a girl before ( with the exception of
Melai who taught me all there is to know about life and
love).
Until one uneventful
Saturday night, we fooled around at her place. I never
knew it at that time but what will happen would shatter
my life completely and unavoidably. The next day, my mom
found out, called up her mom and they had a talk. From
then on I was banned from using the phone. My dad found
out about the car accident I encountered and so he banned
me from taking the car out, ever. (Until I get my
license, actually.)
When I found out that
she also doesn’t want to talk to me about what
happened, I was hurt real deep. I had no else to turn to.
I guess my friends were there for me but I can’t
tell them the whole story and the weight of the
situation. These culmination of events will ultimately
end my life. I was low. Real low. Think of anything that
you think is the lowest thing, well I’m lower than
that. Because of that I decided to end my life. (This
happened just before the 3rd periodicals so I never had
the chance to study.) To end my life would be best, I
presumed. I won’t have to bother my friends anymore
about my problems, my parents won’t be worried
anymore about me, I would finally be at peace. It turned
out, eventually, that I was too much a coward to kill
myself. Feeling discouraged and getting no help, I
persistently tried to talk to her. Finally, I did, and it
cost me more than I could ever imagine.
I saw her and gave her
a gift for Christmas. She responded with delight as I
showed her the gift. Then I talked to her, but we have to
do it someplace else. I totally forgot my parents who
were supposed to pick me up at 4:30 pm at school. We went
to her friends’ place and there we chatted around
for quite some time. That was our last and final talk
together. We ended our conversation at around 7:30 pm,
said our goodbyes, and left each other for good. When I
arrived home, my parents were utterly furious. Where have
I been, they asked, we’ve been waiting for hours
blah... blah... blah.... Then my dad hit me. Not so hard,
but you can feel it hurt, again and again. No longer can
I go out without both of their permission, I can’t
sleep over anymore, I have to quit all my bands, no more
phone calls, and I have to study all Christmas break.
Hurt, dazed, alone, confused, and helpless, I really
wanted to end my life. I came to a point where I actually
put my dad’s gun at my forehead, with my finger on
the trigger, tears running down my cheeks. But I
couldn’t do it. I just decided to run away. Run away
from it all. But no, I can’t. I’m too scared to
face my parents again if I eventually come back. My dad
will probably beat me up again and chain me to my room. I
can’t take that. Even right now it feels like
I’m in jail.
So where do I end up? Here, at home, writing this
miserable article.
Actually right now I
have thought things over. I need to forget her, and
that’s what I’m doing, finally. Although I miss
the times, I have to forget her to make things right
again. She gave me joy directly, but she also gave me
sorrow indirectly. Up to now, the wounds in my heart and
soul haven’t healed completely. I hope that my
Christmas break spent all alone would finally clear my
mind and my senses. I’m wishing and hoping and
praying to be strong enough to handle my problems, to
handle my life, to be responsible, to do what’s
right. I’m learning life the hard way, and if
that’s what it takes, well, whatever can’t kill
me only makes me stronger. I will survive. So, look out
for me, ‘cause you ain’t seen the new jopex
yet!
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