1) JOE SENSITIVE - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle okay?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved, irons own shirts
Drawbacks: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2) OLD MAN GRUMPUS - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. What's on TV tonight?"
Also known as: Sour puss, Old Fogey, Jerk, Oscar the Grouch
Advantages: Stays put, predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

3) FLINCHY - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I di--did..."
AKA: Trembly, "Hey, you", Creampuff, Knight in Shinning Armor's footstool
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Disadvantages: easily spooked, surrenders without struggle

4) BIGFOOT - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
AKA: Ignoramous, Galoot, the Hulk, Big n dumb, Chunkhead
Advantages: easily fooled, thugs beware
Disadvantages: sweats like a pig, can break you in half

5) LAZYBONES - "Zzzzz..."
AKA: Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozer
Advantages: well rested, easy target, often home
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams, heavily dependent

6) THE SNEAK - "Who, me?"
AKA: Snake, Rat, two-timer, Slimebag
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having the time of his life behind your back

7) ACE OF HEARTS - "After I wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasel's okay?"
AKA: Romeo, Dreamboat, Casanova, Handyman, The Sizzler, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8) THE DREAMER - "Someday I'm gonna be rich and famous. I dunno how, but I will..."
AKA: The struggling artist, Philosopher, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Great story-teller
Disadvantages: Will turn into OLD GRUMPUS

9) MR. RIGHT - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels on my new yacht, okey?"
AKA: Mr. Perfect, Love of My Life, Dreamboy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction...


NINE TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS:

1) MS. NICE GIRL - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have..."
AKA: whattagal, precious, my main squeeze, one of the boys, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up one fine day

2) OLD YELLER - "You G-D spineless, good for nothing drag-ass son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
AKA: She-devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, Ol Lady, Warthog from hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans, plates, you name it...

3) SICKLY - "Oh, my head hurts. My feet...my cramps, my cellulite...ohh."
AKA: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy, Hypoconnie
Advantages: Predicatble
Disadvantages: Contagious

4) THE BOSSER - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
AKA: The Sarge, Miss Know-It-All, Ball and chain, "Yes, mom."
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Still right even when wrong

5) MS. VAGUELY DISSATISFIED - "I can't decide. Should I switch my career, home, or hair color?"
AKA: The fretter, the worrywart, typical
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easilt perturbed

6) WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it b'fore. S'fun..."
AKA: Fast girl, free wheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: more fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable, drives off cliffs

7) HUFFY - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at!"
AKA: no fun, humorless prig, little miss snooty, chilly proposition, cold fish, iceberg, snarly, frigid
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You'll feel sorry for you, you will have no friends

8) WOMAN FROM MARS - "I believe this interpretative dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
AKA: THe Babbler, the spooky girl, screwball, loony, bad news, artistically temperes, artistic
Advantages: entertaining, unfathomable, unique
Disadvantages: will read her poetry out loud, brain is sitting on the god-damn moon

9) MS. DREAMGIRL - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome, genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
AKA: Ms. Right, The Goddess, Knockout, Perfection Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: will have nothing to do with you, doesn't know you exist (or maybe she does but she just doesn't care)